and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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