Swine flu. Run for my life!
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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