it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
