I think I died a long time ago.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
