I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
