I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
