you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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