I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize