Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
