You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
