How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize