i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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