she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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