Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
