you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
