guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
