My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
