And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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