Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
