Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize