Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
