Banned from zoo.
Again?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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