I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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