when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize