woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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