Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
