FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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