You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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