Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
