I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
