Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize