my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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