So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
