Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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