At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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