My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
