Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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