there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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