The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize