i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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