fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
