I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
