Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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