I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
