You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
