My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
