She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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