cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
