I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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