I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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