i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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