I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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