took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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