I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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