I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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