He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
