Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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