is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
