I will die if light touches me.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just high enough for therapy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
