True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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