Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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