The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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