we're blogging at a bar
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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