Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
