it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
