He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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