Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
