I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
