goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i wish my penis had a tongue
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
