I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
